1: I am not the mind, the intellect, the ego or the memory, I am not the ears, the skin, the nose or the eyes, I am not space, not earth, not fire, water or wind, I am the form of consciousness and bliss, I am the eternal Shiva…
2: I am not the breath, nor the five elements, I am not matter, nor the 5 sheaths of consciousness Nor am I the speech, the hands, or the feet, I am the form of consciousness and bliss, I am the eternal Shiva…
3: There is no like or dislike in me, no greed or delusion, I know not pride or jealousy, I have no duty, no desire for wealth, lust or liberation, I am the form of consciousness and bliss, I am the eternal Shiva…
I had to updose at this point as the withdrawal symptoms both mentally and physically became too intense and unmanageable especially the out of the blue anxiety which I haven’t experienced much of during this taper.Even though I have learned techniques to calm my nervous system and deep breathing to reset the parasympathetic nervous system I was still struggling as though I was in acute withdrawal. It was a hell. Today as I am writing this I have stabilised a bit thankfully. As I have been micro tapering a good deal of my taper it was suggested to me to return to the last dose that I felt ok on. Thank God for the online Benzodiazepine Support forums and there are many now. I held there for a couple of weeks before restarting the taper however this time as I was possibly going too fast I halved the daily pull dose to .5 ml Valium in 120 ml of water. Things went well for a few days until I needed to have some dental treatment and again I have had to hold until I stabilise again.
I haven’t blogged for a while as I have been unable to make sense of the written word much of the time. However another era on this journey is beginning with feelings coming to the surface again after years of feeling blunted and numb. It’s good to be able to feel again, however these feelings are a bit like old friends I haven’t heard from for years bursting into my life again and I need time to reaquaint myself with them.
The lower I get with this taper and after a few good “windows” for short periods of time (that’s the benzo lingo for a fairly symptom free phase ) a lot of symptoms I’ve had previously have reappeared ( a wave – benzo lingo for a lot of heavy symptoms) reminding me that this is not a linear journey as the healing continues on many fronts.
I was certainly discouraged by my Psych Doctor to admit myself to a clinic to begin a tapering process even as I had reached 120mg per day. He believed that I would most likely become poly-drugged. However, the alternative option wasn’t any better, as he had no answers and no proper training to help me to taper. In fact, at one point when I suggested getting off the medications, he told me it would be fine for me to just stop taking them – Cold Turkey! Thankfully my intuition told me not to stop suddenly. In retrospect, after many hours spent researching the Net, I learned that stopping them cold turkey could have brought about a life-threatening seizure.
Two months later, and having paid into Private Health Insurance, I admitted myself into a private clinic. During the waiting period leading up to my admittance I spent many hours distracting myself from the misery I was in by researching the Net. I found that there were Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Support Groups set up and running with many, many people from all walks of life and from all around the globe that found themselves in the same boat. Most of the Admins who ran these groups were people who had been detoxed rapidly (as is the way taught in medical schools) and had become so ill as a result that they had to reinstate back to their previous doses and try to find a way to get off safely with their sanity intact.
I hope this blog may find it’s way to someone else who is going through what is commonly called Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Syndrome and that they may find some comfort and support in the knowing that they are not alone in this. There are hundreds of thousands of people worldwide that are trying to get themselves free from this poison that the body so easily develops a dependence upon. We know this now due to having access to the Internet. What we also discover is that we have little to no support, nor understanding from the doctors/psychiatrists who prescribed it for us in the first place. We find that we are very much on our own at this point when we also discover that this medication is harder than heroin to withdraw from.
I am planning to blog the last part of my taper coming off a Benzodiazepine medication that I had been prescribed for 14 years prior to breaking down/hitting rock-bottom due to Interdose Withdrawals four years ago and voluntarily admitting myself to a private clinic to attempt to taper after two failed tapers at home.
When we are prescribed this medication for whatever reason we are not informed of the way our body will build up a tolerance to it, which means we need to updose regularly to get the same results we got from it in the first place. Eventually we are even worse off when the medication is doing us more harm than any benefits we may have had previously and we have no where to turn except to try and get off it.
In my case I was prescribed Serepax ( Oxazepam ) – a short half-life benzodiazepine by a well meaning but grossly uninformed psychiatrist, for profound tinnitus – ringing in the ears and an inability to handle any stress after being chemically poisoned during house renovations which left me bedridden with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
In 2000 when I fell ill and ended up disabled I was initially started on a dose of 5mg Serepax once a day to help me sleep. Fourteen years later that dose had become 120mg per day and that’s when I hit rock bottom- again. I was suffering from “interdose withdrawal syndrome”
and the drugs were no longer working for me and were now working against me. I was actually worse then than I had been when I was first started on the medication. After reporting this to my Psych Doctor, and after several admissions to hospital, it was suggested to me that I start taking Valium as well to help counteract the horrendous symptoms I was experiencing. I couldn’t believe what I was being told and I asked my doctor “Where does this end?”- a question he was unable to answer.
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